Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — Time is of the essence for you these next few weeks. Keep an eye out for New Year’s clearances at local car dealerships and grocery stores. The stars suggest using your time accordingly on Thursday nights while bar hopping in LoDa in order to increase the chances of connecting with the Libra of your dreams. Beware of Friday mornings, as these will most likely be rough days for you. Protect yourself with a Shake Weight.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — 2011 holds much promise for you. Four-leaf clovers and waterbeds are sure signs that a fortune lies ahead. Dr. Z suggests boosting the chances of seeing the four-leaf clover by enjoying a pint and several gallons of mescaline at Callaghan’s. However, steer clear of tattoo parlors, for they are signs of your inevitable downfall — MoonPie tramp stamp tattoos on one’s lower back are generally frowned upon as a particular local politico can tell you.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Avoiding tall buildings would be wise this month and mysterious "family members” you’ve never heard of will begin showing up on your doorstep early next week. Take precaution by boarding up your house and covering the windows with vintage Lagniappes. The stars predict this familial predicament will end shortly after Sunday. Mel Showers’ newscast will keep the cabin fever to a minimum as he reveals he’s not wearing pants. A "Spank You” letter to Mel would be courteous, but not adequate.
Aries (3/21- 4/19) — The stars have decided you’d be a good person if your name was Todd. After the name change, you will become a local celebrity in town. Not only will you receive the key to the city from Sammy J himself, but also several other sets of keys from employment challenged citizens. Many diseases rest on the keys you’ll receive, so use them wisely. Avoid small cracks in sidewalks and beware of those wearing Mobile Mystics hockey jerseys.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Warm socks are a necessity for your immediate future — but not for keeping your feet warm. The stars have decided the "crop duster” is the best gaseous emission for you to perfect this New Year. The lack of flying experience itself shouldn’t concern you as much as the flying conditions you will encounter during your first "flight.” Avoid "flying” over loved ones and eating beans before you practice. Wearing two pairs of socks is ill advised for those avoiding procreation.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — The future isn’t looking as good as the past for you, kind friend. Keeping a journal of your misfortunes will serve as a useful tool when you encounter a man dressed up as Bono on Wednesday morning. Staying vaccinated is crucial for your survival as Bono carries around some pretty serious biological weapons these days. The stars suggest volunteering to maintain the parks around town. Cathedral Square should be avoided while wearing any scandalous underwear and no gas mask.
Cancer (6/22-7-22) — Going to the beach next weekend is a wise idea. The stars have seen a great fortune in the sand with an estimated worth of 15 Krispy Kreme top-dollar gift cards. Buying a donut detector seems like a wise investment. Also, an airbrushed T-shirt reading "Gulf Shores Spring Break 1996” will benefit you in joining the ranks of even the best tourists and not a treasure hunting local. Buy your loved ones Alabama toilet seat covers as a post-Christms gift this year.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — A sexy single is sure to come into your life soon. The stars have seen you getting lucky while standing underneath a gigantic descending moonpie. Dr. Z suggests attending the New Year’s celebration in order to fulfill the stars’ prophecy. It might also be wise to wear camo and position yourself at a particular LoDa intersection. Watch for individuals wearing similar attire. If all else fails, go around asking grown men if "that’s a moonpie in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?”
Virgo (8/23—9/22) — Karma has some hard punishment in store for you. Going number two in a bar urinal and then immediately apologizing should be a top priority. Mondays and Tuesdays should be approached with an open mind and a linen thong. Cardboard signs will foreshadow brutal events involving canned ham. Camping out in Blakely State Park isn’t a bad idea for the next day or two.
Libra (9/23—10/22) — Genius ideas are certain to fill your head any moment now. Avoiding happy hour at your favorite watering hole may be both a gift and curse; depending on which day you choose to attend. While ideas are most likely to fill your head, a severe case of gas will fill your stomach. Buying a plethora of Gas-X from the Bruno’s will only result in shame, instead of relief and farts.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Keep an eye out for hourglasses on Tuesday evenings. The stars have grown extremely bored with your recent shenanigans involving drunken texts and heart-to-heart chats with the opposite sex. You are quite the wild one! Dr. Z suggests keeping your mouth shut with pizza and cheap beers. Avoid long lines at public restrooms and office parties where cheese trays are present.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — Long hair is what you should strive for this month and eating plenty of vitamins is vital for maintaining your brittle bones during this cold week of winter in the Deep South. Consuming Mosley’s twice-baked potatoes will help feed the inner appetite you have been trying so desperately to suppress. Keep a safe distance from white picket fences and newspapers and you’ll gain 20 health points in Zelda.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — 2011 holds much promise for you. Four-leaf clovers and waterbeds are sure signs that a fortune lies ahead. Dr. Z suggests boosting the chances of seeing the four-leaf clover by enjoying a pint and several gallons of mescaline at Callaghan’s. However, steer clear of tattoo parlors, for they are signs of your inevitable downfall — MoonPie tramp stamp tattoos on one’s lower back are generally frowned upon as a particular local politico can tell you.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Avoiding tall buildings would be wise this month and mysterious "family members” you’ve never heard of will begin showing up on your doorstep early next week. Take precaution by boarding up your house and covering the windows with vintage Lagniappes. The stars predict this familial predicament will end shortly after Sunday. Mel Showers’ newscast will keep the cabin fever to a minimum as he reveals he’s not wearing pants. A "Spank You” letter to Mel would be courteous, but not adequate.
Aries (3/21- 4/19) — The stars have decided you’d be a good person if your name was Todd. After the name change, you will become a local celebrity in town. Not only will you receive the key to the city from Sammy J himself, but also several other sets of keys from employment challenged citizens. Many diseases rest on the keys you’ll receive, so use them wisely. Avoid small cracks in sidewalks and beware of those wearing Mobile Mystics hockey jerseys.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Warm socks are a necessity for your immediate future — but not for keeping your feet warm. The stars have decided the "crop duster” is the best gaseous emission for you to perfect this New Year. The lack of flying experience itself shouldn’t concern you as much as the flying conditions you will encounter during your first "flight.” Avoid "flying” over loved ones and eating beans before you practice. Wearing two pairs of socks is ill advised for those avoiding procreation.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — The future isn’t looking as good as the past for you, kind friend. Keeping a journal of your misfortunes will serve as a useful tool when you encounter a man dressed up as Bono on Wednesday morning. Staying vaccinated is crucial for your survival as Bono carries around some pretty serious biological weapons these days. The stars suggest volunteering to maintain the parks around town. Cathedral Square should be avoided while wearing any scandalous underwear and no gas mask.
Cancer (6/22-7-22) — Going to the beach next weekend is a wise idea. The stars have seen a great fortune in the sand with an estimated worth of 15 Krispy Kreme top-dollar gift cards. Buying a donut detector seems like a wise investment. Also, an airbrushed T-shirt reading "Gulf Shores Spring Break 1996” will benefit you in joining the ranks of even the best tourists and not a treasure hunting local. Buy your loved ones Alabama toilet seat covers as a post-Christms gift this year.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — A sexy single is sure to come into your life soon. The stars have seen you getting lucky while standing underneath a gigantic descending moonpie. Dr. Z suggests attending the New Year’s celebration in order to fulfill the stars’ prophecy. It might also be wise to wear camo and position yourself at a particular LoDa intersection. Watch for individuals wearing similar attire. If all else fails, go around asking grown men if "that’s a moonpie in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?”
Virgo (8/23—9/22) — Karma has some hard punishment in store for you. Going number two in a bar urinal and then immediately apologizing should be a top priority. Mondays and Tuesdays should be approached with an open mind and a linen thong. Cardboard signs will foreshadow brutal events involving canned ham. Camping out in Blakely State Park isn’t a bad idea for the next day or two.
Libra (9/23—10/22) — Genius ideas are certain to fill your head any moment now. Avoiding happy hour at your favorite watering hole may be both a gift and curse; depending on which day you choose to attend. While ideas are most likely to fill your head, a severe case of gas will fill your stomach. Buying a plethora of Gas-X from the Bruno’s will only result in shame, instead of relief and farts.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Keep an eye out for hourglasses on Tuesday evenings. The stars have grown extremely bored with your recent shenanigans involving drunken texts and heart-to-heart chats with the opposite sex. You are quite the wild one! Dr. Z suggests keeping your mouth shut with pizza and cheap beers. Avoid long lines at public restrooms and office parties where cheese trays are present.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — Long hair is what you should strive for this month and eating plenty of vitamins is vital for maintaining your brittle bones during this cold week of winter in the Deep South. Consuming Mosley’s twice-baked potatoes will help feed the inner appetite you have been trying so desperately to suppress. Keep a safe distance from white picket fences and newspapers and you’ll gain 20 health points in Zelda.
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